Key and Peele Meet RWBY
by GrimmLocke420
Summary: A series of short RWBY one-shots inspired by the skits of comedians Key & Peele. Kicks off with Substitute Teacher! (Rated M for horrid language and sexual themes)
1. Substitute Teacher

As Ruby and her team rushed into their Grimm Studies class they were met with a locked door to the class. Professor Port didn't lock his doors, even once the class started, was something wrong?

"Should we knock?" Yang asked.

"Of course! how else would we get in?" Weiss said annoyingly as she banged the door with her cold fist.

The door swung open to reveal a tall man in professional attire much like Dr. Oobleck but was much more tamed, he was likely a substitute. He looked down at the girls with a feeling of slight annoyance in his eyes. "You're all late."

"Sorry we were ju-"

"No excuses, please just come in before I start attendance." The man said with mild anger simmering under his breath.

"Alright" The girls said in unison

They took their assigned seats along with the already present Team CFVY, JNPR and SSSN as the substitute walked past them and behind Professor Port's desk and he began talking.

"Alright listen up Y'all, I'm your substitute teacher Mr. Garvy. I taught school in the inner city of Vale for 20 years, So don't even _think _about messing with me." As he said this Ruby noticed his eyes gloss over her and her team. "You all feel me?"

He was met by a unanimous nod from the classroom. "Ok, let's take role here." Mr. Garvy said as he grabbed the clipboard with the attendance.

Some students decided to begin the assignments they were assigned by Port yesterday including Weiss, hoping they'd hear their name during attendance.

"Wee-Ice" The teacher said incorrectly, some students looked around confused on what Mr. Garvy just said. "Well? Where Wee-Ice at? No Wee-Ice here?"

After the third call Weiss got annoyed and finally decided to raise her hand in frustration.

"Yes, ma'am." He said gesturing to Weiss.

"Umm, I think you mean _Weiss_." Weiss said, being sure to pronounce it correctly. The man looked at her like she was crazy and tossed the clipboard with the attendance on Port's desk.

"Alright, so that's how it's gonna be. Y'all wanna play. I got my eye on you Wee-Ice!" He said pointing at her with his index finger. Many teachers before had pronounced her name wrong but this man went out of his way to make up some crazy word. _Wee-ice? Is he serious? _Weiss was taken aback by this man's blunt attitude and decided to just leave it where it lay before a possible detention. After a moment, the sub grabbed the clipboard and continued.

"Bela-Kay." After a couple of seconds with no answer he asked again. "Where is Bela-Kay at?" Blake then looked up, thinking he was calling her name. "No Bela-Kay here today?" Blake quickly raised her hand. "Yes, ma'am."

"My name is _Blake."_ Mr. Garvy then looked at her puzzled than back at his clipboard a few times before throwing it back on Port's desk and looking at Blake with his fists on the desk in front of him.

"Are you out of your Goddamn mind?" Blake looked at him wide eyed. "_Blaaake?_ What? Do you want to go to war Bela-Key?" Blake quickly shook her head side to side and said no. "Because we could go to war, I'm for real! I'm for real! So you better check yourself!" Blake quickly looked down on her desk with a quizzical look, obviously trying hard not to say something else that could possibly get her to Ozpin's office.

"S-sorry, sir."

"Mhm, damn right." He then grabbed his clipboard again and read the next name down the list. "Cuocoo." Coco, from the back of the room picked her head up and looked straight at Mr. Garvy with simmering hatred burning through her sunglasses. "Is there a Cuocoo?" He took the silence as a hint that the student in question was about to question his authority again. "If one of Y'all says some silly. Ass. Name. This whole class is gonna feel. My. Wrath." Quickly Coco looked at him and raised her hand. Without waiting for him to gesture her she just spoke.

"Do you mean _Coco?"_

"Son of a BITCH!" Mr. Garvy said as he slammed the clipboard on his knee, breaking it in half with a large 'Snap'. "You say your name right! Right now!" He said pointing right at Coco.

"Coco."

"Say it right!"

"Coco."

"Correctly!"

"Coco."

"Right!"

"Coco."

"Right!"

Letting out a huge sigh, Coco finally gave up. "Cuocoo..."

"That's better! Thank you!"

Coco shook her head in annoyance and quickly went back to her nap.

Mr. Garvy grabbed the half of the clipboard that held the attendance. "Soo-un." Sun noticed the mispronunciation in the middle of writing down some notes. He angled his head slightly up to look at the sub. "Where are you? Where is Soo-un right now?" He looked around the room but only saw all the students looking for whoever's name was Soo-un, while Blake just looked straight at him wondering why he didn't just say 'here' at this point. "Well you better be sick, dead, or mute Soo-un!"

"Ah jeez, here! ah man..." Sun said as he quickly looked back to his notes. Mr. Garvy looked at him.

"Why didn't you answer me the first time I said it?"

"Huh?" Sun looked at him amused, now with one hand holding his head up with a smirk on his face.

"Oh, you know I just said it like four times so why didn't you say it the first time I said 'Soo-un'?" He said as he approached Sun, now standing right in front of his desk.

Sun looked him in the eye and leaned back with his arms crossed. "Because it's pronounced Sun!"

"SON OF A BITCH!" Mr. Garvy turned to Port's desk and dragged his arms across it, knocking all the desk's contents on the ground. Now turning back to Sun, he pointed at him angrily. "You done messed up Soo-un! Now take yo ass to Oos-Pine's Office right now and tell him exactly what you did!"

"uhh, who?"

"OOS-PINE!"

"... Headmaster Ozpin?" Sun asked quizically.

"GET OUT OF MY GODDAMN CLASSROOM BEFORE I BREAK MY FOOT UP IN YOUR ASS!" Sun rolled his eyes and quietly walked out of the classroom. Mr. Garvy looked back at the class, quite pleased with himself. "Insubordinate... And churlish!" The sub then calmly walked back to his desk and picked up the half-clipboard he had knocked down. He quickly went right back to business reading off the attendance. "Pee-ray."

Pyrrha lifted her hand up. "Here!"

"Thank you!"

* * *

><p><strong>This was based off a Key and Peele skit on youtube called 'Substitute Teacher'. I highly recommend you watch this because it was ducking hilarious. Thank you for reading this silly story of mine. Follow, Fav, or Review if you like! I think I'll add more to my SunxBlake story some time soon, or should I say Soo-un! :D That's all folks!<strong>


	2. Slap Ass

Beacon Academy offered a plethora of different extracurricular activities for its many students. Everything from sports to clubs to monster hunting, each with their own subdivisions. Although, freshman could only join one club or sport for their school year. Blake had always been keen on joining the Faunus Civil Rights Club as soon as possible, but her partner Yang had other plans. The blonde had a weird fondness for hitting things really hard with her fists, so she decided to take up Women's Volleyball. Unfortunately for Blake, Yang didn't want to be in a sports team without any of her close friends. After about a week of begging and bribing Blake finally agreed to join the sports team with Yang, against better judgment. After many wins and the first semester over, Blake was at wit's end with Yang. The team, all clad in short shorts and their red, tight-fitting jerseys, was just getting back in their locker room after a swift victory against the visiting team from Mistral. Most girls were talking in pairs about their great comeback as Yang busted through the crowd of her teammates.

"Hey girls! That was a goooooood gaaaame!" Yang said, particularly to Velvet, another one of their teammates. Yang held her left hand up for a high five and Velvet reluctantly met her hand. Then like a bolt of lightning Yang's right hand flew down to meet Velvet's... Posterior... Once hand met ass Yang yelled "Slap ass!"

Velvet squirmed at the contact but calmly walked away to her locker. Yang continued to harass the rest of her team, complimenting her teammates' skills and slapping their asses while saying 'Slap Ass' every. Single. Time. "Hey Pyrrha! Good Game!" Before Pyrrha could react she felt a gust of winds hit her as a resounding 'smack' came from her money-maker, and then Yang's patented "Slap ass!". Letting out a small squeal Pyrrha rubbed her buns and quickly ran away to her locker. At this point Yang hadn't smacked only one booty, Blake's booty, or as Yang put it, The Bellabooty.

"Hey Blake!" Blake looked up from her locker without turning her head, rather, turning her kitty ears to hear the disturbance. "Come over here, lemme get some Bellabooty slap ass over here!" She said raising her hand while staring at Blake's ample derriere. Blake took a deep breath before she yelled throughout the locker room out of pure frustration.

"NO!" Blake screamed, grabbing the attention of all the teammates, who quickly gathered around her and Yang to see what the commotion was. Yang stood shocked with her hand still in the air waiting for touchdown as she asked.

"What? Wh-why not?"

"I said no, Yang." Yang looked at her perplexed as her hand slowly lowered when Pyrrha jumped in.

"She's had enough Yang, we've _all_ had enough."

Yang was still confused on what was going on and why her friends were jumping down her throat. "Enough? Enough of what?"

"Enough with the darn ass slapping!" Velvet said from behind Yang with her hands on her hips.

"Thank you, Velvet." Blake said as Yang continued to look around in mass confusion.

"You have a problem with slap ass?" The whole room gave several yes's as they looked at Yang, who still didn't see the problem. "Who cares how much I slap ass? So what? I'm happy after games so I slap ass!" Yang noticed the teammates around her weren't buying her explanation. "I'm a Volleyball player! All we do is hit balls and slap ass!" After the worst explanation possible, Pyrrha decided to bring reason to Yang's head.

"Yang, that's not how we all see Volleyball." She said calmly, getting a unanimous nod from the other teammates.

"Everybody does it, all the teams slap ass, man! You slapped an ass before Blake!"

Remembering the incident Blake challenged her. "That was literally one time, Yang. And it was an accident!"

"Pfft, but who's going out there and counting how many times you slap ass or when I slap a-"

From the back of the room Velvet stopped Yang in her tracks. "Four hundred and twenty seven times!" All the girls looked at Velvet astounded, including Yang who was now struggling to find a good argument.

"Well... Time flies when you're having fun!" She just wasn't getting the picture.

"Yang, our teams come to these games." Blake started. "Velvet's teammate Yatsuhashi is always asking why she let's this other girl touch her butt so much!" Velvet gave an agreeing nod as her eyes narrowed on Yang. Before long, Pyrrha began.

"And you say 'slap ass' every time."

"EVERY! TIME!" Blake emphasized.

"All right, hold on... I'm from the City of Vale. Ok? All I know is to punch things with my gauntlets and say 'slap ass' every. Single. Time that I slap some ass!"

"Yang, Beacon Academy is literally a few miles from the City of Vale. Half this team is from there! And nobody here has _ever__,_ in their entire life, heard anyone say 'slap ass', before you!" Blake said angrily at Yang. She was starting to feel the veins popping in her head as the blonde ass slapper began again.

"Hah, you're pulling my leg! Come over here and take your slap ass." Yang said as she began walking towards Blake with her hand in the air.

"GODDAMMIT YANG!" Everyone yelled in unison. The blonde stopped dead in her tracks as her hand fell. She looked around her with pleading eyes at her teammates, her _friends. _it got very quiet for a moment.

"...Ok, you're right... You're all right. I know I have a problem... And I don't want to be a burden to my friends. So I'm deciding to stop right now..." She said as she pointed down. Accepting the brawler's proclamation Blake and her team were finally pleased.

"Good, thank you, Yang."

"...Right after I get that Bellabooty slap ass now come on now." The beauty said as she sped toward her partner with her hand in the air ready to meet booty. The rest of the team unanimously yelled "NO!"

"Alright! Fine I'm good! I get it!" After a moment the team took her word for it and went back to their lockers. As the coast was clear Yang made a run for Blake's buns. She was quickly caught by her team. Blake yelled.

"GET HER OUT OF THE LOCKER ROOM!" Soon all the girls began yelling at Yang to try and keep her quiet as she was dragged out, only resulting in an incredibly loud argument.

"NOOOOOOO, BLAAAKE! YOU'RE THE ONLY SLAP ASS THAT MATTERS TO ME!"

"YOU ARE NOT GETTING A 'SLAP ASS'!" Blake yelled as Yang was dragged around a corner, now out of sight.

* * *

><p>A week after the incident Blake was walking through the extensive hallways of Beacon with her gym bag in hand and clad in her usual uniform. As she walked past an open door she noticed a touch of yellow in the corner of her eye. <em>Son of a bitch... <em>Blake internally cursed as she kept walking past the door, only to hear familiar footsteps sounding behind her.

"Hey Blake, can I talk to you for a second?" Yang sounded ill, like she just fought off the flu. Without stopping, Blake looked to her right to see Yang beside her. She was nervously holding her right arm and occasionally scratching her neck awkwardly. She looked like a drug addict that hadn't taken drugs in a really long time.

"Uh, sure Yang, what do you need?" Blake said, trying to be as kind as possible.

"I just talked to the manager of the team. He says I have 3 month suspension from playing! I mean, what the hell?"

"Yang we all told you what was going to happen if y-" The drug deprived Yang cut her off.

"I could reeeeeeeally use the Bellabooty slap ass..."

"Yang!"

"Come ooooooooooooooooooon Blaaaaaaaake! Just one slap ass! I neeeeeeeeeed it! Just one for the road, for old time's sake!" She sounded so weak it was almost sad... _Almost..._

After weighing her options Blake finally made her decision. _Dammit, I'm going to regret this..._ Blake slowly looked up and down the corridor for any prying eyes. After determining the coast was clear Blake took a deep breath and raised her hand in the air.

"Oh, thank you! Ok, ok, ok..." Yang began taking several deep breaths as she lifted her hand, it then quickly moved towards Blake's hand while her other hand went for Blake's bum. "GOOD GAME!" _**SMACK** _"SLAP AAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSS!" The loud _SMACK_ echoed through the hallways, Blake shut her eyes as she felt a small tear fall down her face, it hurt. Alot. Yang let her hand linger on Blake's Bellabooty until Blake felt a small squeeze down there. Fearing for her innocence Blake quickly got out of her grasp.

"I'm going to the dorm." She said as she quickly walked away.

"Blaaaaaaaaake waaaait!" Yang said, still standing where the point of impact occurred.

"Ugh, what?"

"I'll buy you cat nip if you let me slap your ass again!"

"NO!" Blake hastily walked around the corner to their dorm.

"Aaaaaaahhhhh noooooo Blaaaake you looooove cat nip..." Yang kept scratching herself awkwardly as she began leaning on the wall next to her, sliding down steadily. "uuuuuuuhhhhhhhslapassslapassslapassslapassslapassslapassslapassssssssss..."

* * *

><p><strong>So I'm pretty happy with how this one turned out, better than my 'Soul Food' one. I'm going to delete that story a little after December starts because it is currently on a ballot for voting till December. It will be placed in this story shortly afterwards. Thank you guys for telling me the format you preferred, it really helped me out. <strong>

**Now SOMEONE made a 'Slap Ass' suggestion with Peele being Yang. I am sorry but I don't remember your user name, or if I got it on this site or reddit, and I can't even remember how to use this site's PM's (Been awhile since I last used it). I am going to try and get your usernames to say what you suggested in the A/N at the bottom of each chapter. I am sorry to whoever suggested it, if you want to pm me again so I may see your previous messages to me than I will add your name here.**

**Till next time you lovely peeps. Please leave a review, leave a K&P suggestion as a review/PM, Fav, or Follow. Or don't!(up to you) **

**I love you guys!**

**~Grimm**


	3. Soul Food

As the sun hung over Remnant Ruby, Weiss, Blake and Yang sat at the table of their favorite diner in the City of Vale. They all sat reading through the menus in front of them. As the waitress approached them, she looked to be about the same age as the girls, maybe a bit older.

"Hello and welcome to Sugarback's Diner! may I know what you'd like to drink?" The girl seemed awfully upbeat that seemed to bring Team RWBY into a cheerier mood. Yang was the first to reply.

"I think we'll skip out on drinks, can we order our food right now?"

"Of course, what would you all like?" The girl said with her notepad and pencil out.

"I'll have a tuna salad please" said Blake with the stereotypical tuna order. The waitress quickly jotted down the order. Next was Weiss' order.

"I think I'll just have the pancake combo with a side of cereal." After the waitress finished jotting Weiss' order she asked Yang.

"Can I have a chicken fried steak with gravy?" said Yang with by far the most filling meal. Last was Ruby.

"May I have the baked beef short ribs with some corn bread?" said Ruby innocently. She always enjoyed this diner's ribs, no matter the time of day. However Yang suddenly felt like her baby sister just one upped her. She can't let that happen in front of her teammates. As the waitress finished jotting down the orders Yang interjected.

"Oh uh, you know what, I think I'll also have some corn bread. Oh! And maybe some of your amazing hot wings!" said Yang happily, knowing she just beat out Ruby for most food. Ruby looked at her through slit eyes, processing what just occurred. Just like a Grimm encounter Ruby analyzed the situation and had one solution to her current problem. Order more.

"All right will that be all?" said the waitress. Weiss was the first to speak up.

"No that will be a-"

"Actually Weiss that _won't_ be all..." said Ruby without looking to her partner, instead staring at Yang as their order war continued. "You can scratch off everything I said before, miss. I'll have some..." At this point Ruby was just looking at the menu on her lap because she didn't know much food outside what she usually ordered. She was basically just saying different entrees and meals at this point. "... Some fried red snapper..." As Ruby went down the list she looked for any words that sounded complex to make her order seem more sophisticated than her sister's. "And some Okra and a side of chili." Ruby finally finished. Turning back to Yang she crossed her arms and smirked in victory. _Beat that, Sis! _The waitress accepted the order and began walking away before Yang stopped her.

"Do you guys have ham hocks?" Yang said with a purely serious tone. Blake and Weiss looked at Yang like she was crazy. a whole ham hock? Yang couldn't eat a whole ham hock... Could she?

"Of course, we have ham hocks."

"Alright I would like a plate of Ham hocks, deep fried, blackened, and served on a bed of mustard greens." Yang said before she stuck her tongue out at her sister. Weiss just sat there with her hand pinching the bridge of her nose while Blake was looking out the window, trying to avert her attention from Ruby and Yang. Before the waitress could reply Ruby raised her voice.

"Pig feet" Her team looked at her as Blake and Weiss gave a mutual face palm as Yang's jaw dropped. "I want pig feet and four pounds of grits." Ruby wasn't sure if that was even on the menu, she forgot about that awhile ago, her full attention was at beating Yang, even if common sense was thrown out the window. Ruby continued. "And I also want a small yogurt cup of lard."

"Alright." Yang slammed her hand on the table to get the waitress's attention. "I just remembered what I wanted, a bowl of mosquitoes." Ruby was livid, Yang was copying her technique of naming random junk." Not the tiny ones either I want the big ones you find down at the swamps of Mistral." Yang said with a smile plastered across her face. Ruby was getting serious, this was going downhill for her, she had to act.

"Um miss, can you please get me a rusty bucket full of fish heads wrapped in razor wire?" The waitress looked at her wide eyed.

"Donkey teeth." Yang said.

"Donkey teeth!?" Said Team RWB and the waitress.

"Yep, I want donkey teeth, straight out of a donkey's mouth." Thinking it over for a second Yang continued. "You know what, screw it, any animal tooth will do. I want it in honey glaze fried with some fatback in an old tin coffee can."

"Alright forget everything I've said up to this point right now." Ruby said to the waitress as she looked at Yang. "Bring me some dandelion greens, a cow hip, and a doggy's face. And I would like it if you could wrap all of that in an old magazine and serve it to me in a shoe box that recently had a cat sleep in it."

"Ok I Want a platter of stork ankles, an old cellar door, a possum spine..." Yang was sure to lean in to Ruby's face for the last request. "...And a human foot!" Blake and Weiss looked at each other with raised eyebrows as Ruby stared at Yang wide-eyed. The waitress felt the need to defuse the tension.

"Ma'am, did you say you want a human foot?"

Yang looked at her, just realizing what she said. "Um... yes?"

The waitress looked at them both. "I have just one question for you two..." Ruby and Yang looked down to their laps and then at each other with wide eyes like they were in trouble. "Would you like gravy on that cellar door?" Yang looked at the woman with her mouth agape.

"uh, uh, um, sure. Of course! What's a cellar door without gravy?" Yang said in a cheerful tone.

"It wouldn't be food, haha!" Ruby answered, accepting her order war defeat.

* * *

><p>Blake and Weiss stared at Ruby and Yang as they sat in front of their 'Special' meals. Ruby looked at the assorted grotesqueness wrapped in a magazine in a shoebox while Yang stared at her cellar door with stork ankles and a possum spine, topped with gravy of course. They didn't think they'd actually get what they ordered.<p>

"I'm never coming with you two block heads to a restaurant again." Weiss said, breaking the sisters from their trance.

"Agreed." said Blake.

* * *

><p><strong>Ok, This was already written but it has now been moved to the Official K&amp;PxRWBY fanfic. Thanks for your continued support!<strong>

**~Grimm**


	4. Ozpin's Anger Translator

Today was finally the day. The day for Ozpin's annual address to the Kingdoms of Remnant. Unfortunately this year would be abit more serious after the recent terrorist attack in the City of Vale. He needed to reiterate the ideals he held on national security and the activities of other Kingdoms. These topics never blended well with Ozpin's stoic persona. He would need someone to express his undying rage without tarnishing his own image, that is if he wanted to keep his job.

"Headmaster, this is quite possibly the stupidest thing you've done in a long time." said a certain bronze hair bully.

"Mr. Winchester you know our deal, you do this now and I'll let you pass Dr. Oobleck's class. He and I wouldn't want you to be held back now would we?" Ozpin said before taking a swig of coffee. Cardin let out a sigh and took position behind Ozpin's chair. The gears above their heads churned and hissed as the noon bell began sounding throughout Beacon Academy. It was nearly time to begin. Ozpin and Glynda worked the graveyard shift to create a set for the address to take place, it was comprised of his desk chair, a lovely fireplace behind him and a black ursa rug beneath his feet. It was hard to tell that this was going to be shot from his own clock tower.

"Are we ready yet Professor?" Glynda asked while poking her head out from behind the camera.

"Yes, you should start rolling."

* * *

><p>As preparations for the address met completion Team RWBY was in the cafeteria discussing dull topics.<p>

"I dunno Weiss, I think if Humanity ever does find a Grimm T Rex they should probably call it Grimmlo-" Yang was quickly cut off from what would have likely been a really shitty pun when all the scrolls in the cafeteria began to ring. Ruby was the first to open hers.

"Oh, Ozpin's starting his Kingdom Address! Get out your scrolls, let's all watch!"

"He better discuss the rising concerns about getting the Kingdom of Vale nationalized Healthcare so we can fin-"

"Shut up Blake, we want to hear what he has to say about us saving the day from the Grimm!" Yang said quickly.

"Ugh, don't come crying to me when your health insurance doesn't cover third degree burns to the cranium..."

* * *

><p>As the camera rolled Ozpin took a deep breath and began with Cardin standing behind him, hands tucked behind his back, with a stern expression on his face.<p>

"Good evening my fellow citizens of Vale, now before I begin I just want to say that alot of people out there seem to think that I don't get angry. That's simply not true. I get angry alot. The way I express my passion, however, is different from most. So just so there is no more confusion I brought Mr. Winchester of the freshman class to be my anger translator".

Cardin gave a slight nod of the head in response. Ozpin continued.

"First off, concerning the recent developments in the southeastern region outside the Kingdom, I just want to reiterate our intention of ending any terrorist attacks before they occur."

Cardin took that as his cue to begin 'anger translating.' _Well, it sure as hell beats failing freshman year... _He began walking toward the camera slowly as he began to talk.

"Hey! All y'all White Fang members out there! Keep messing around and see what happens! Just see what happens! WATCH!" He said, pointing at the viewers with his index finger.

"Also, to the governments of Atlas, we once again urge you to discontinue your dust enrichment programs."

"Hey Ironwood! Councilmen! I think I already damn told both y'all to 86 your shit bitches! Or I'ma come over there and do it FOR Y'ALL! Please test me! And see what happens!"

"On the domestic front, I just want to say to my critiques over the Breach incident, I hear your voices, and I'm aware of your concerns."

"So maybe if you could shut the fuck up and chill the hell out for like a second then maybe I could focus on some shit! Ya know!?" With every statement that escaped Cardin's mouth he seemed to grow more exaggerated in his translating, getting more excited as the address moved forward.

"And that goes for everybody, including members of the Council and General Ironwood, who recently has taken my position as Head of Security for the Vytal Festival." Ozpin's words slightly stuttered at mention of his loss of position, obviously it still bothered him. Cardin noticed this and became electrified with his next words.

"Oh don't get me started on these motherfuckers right here!" He quickly dashed behind Ozpin's chair and off the left of the screen in a fit of rage, perfectly expressing Ozpin's disdain for the situation.

"Now I want to assure you that we will be looking for new compromises with Atlas and her military." As Ozpin said this Cardin began entering the frame from where he left, speedwalking across the shot as he began.

"And you know these motherfuckers are gonna say no before I can say yes and shit!" He said, throwing his arms up in disgust as he exited stage right.

"Now I know that alot of people say I haven't done a good job at communicating my accomplishments to the public." Suddenly Cardin reared his big head mere inches from the camera.

"BECAUSE Y'ALL MUTHAFUCKA'S DON'T LISTEN!" And just like that he was gone.

"Since being Headmaster of Beacon we've gained 3,000 new students."

"THREE! THOUSAND! NEW! STUDENTS!" Cardin said, now behind Ozpin.

"We ended the Breach incident with minor injury."

"Ended the Breach y'all! We ended the Breach! REMEMBER THAT!?"

"These achievements should serve as a reminder that I am on your side."

Cardin moved his hand behind Ozpin's chair and pulled out a megaphone. **"I AM NOT A TERRORIST!" **He yelled before quickly tossing the megaphone across the room, breaking a vase in the process.

"Um, Mr. Winchester, let's rope it in a bit shall we?"

"Oh fuck you're right, dial it back Cardin, damn!" Cardin said in the third person.

"Moving on, some of my opponents go so far as to believe I am a member of the White Fang."

"Oh see that shit's fucking cray right there."

"Indeed, Mr. Winchester, that _shit_ is relatively cray." Ozpin said, somehow keeping his stoic demeanor throughout that whole sentence. "Now to conclude, last night I had a conversation with Professor Goodwitch."

"I says biiiiiiiiiitch!"

"Um, no, I did not say that, I did not say th-"

* * *

><p>The stream quickly cut off, leaving the message 'Technical Difficulties' on all streams of the address. The girls all sat staring at their scrolls in disbelief of what they just saw.<p>

"..."

"..."

"..."

"...What the fuck was that!?"

* * *

><p><strong>This request was from ArrogantWhale of reddit. Thanks for the idea! It was fucking fun to write! Thank you for reading, If you enjoyed please Fav, Follow, or Review. If you have any idea for a K&amp;PxRWBY one shot please leave it as a review and I'll see what I can do, but don't recommend the substitute teacher sequel, it will be done and enough of you want it. Thanks again for reading, I love you all!<strong>

**~ Grimm**


	5. Racist Grimm

It had been only five day since the initial attack on the City of Vale. Grimm came out in large numbers, killing all human life that crossed their path. The kingdom was collapsing upon itself, everyone screaming for mercy, before being ripped to shreds by hordes of beowolves. few citizens still lived, those that did attempted to find sanctuary in the few safe havens left, most in the residential district. Blake, Sun and Neptune were trudging their way through hordes of Grimm, Blake and Sun were weaponless, leaving Neptune to do most of the work with his trident. They found themselves in a small neighborhood teeming with beowolves. They needed to pass through if they were going to get to the nearest safe haven, the old police station on the far side of town.

Neptune led Sun and Blake around a blood stained home, hesitating as he aimed his weapon around him looking for any signs of danger. After determining the coast was clear Neptune spoke.

"Alright guys, the sheriff's department is close by, we'll be safe there. Stay close."

Blake was on the verge of tears, she has never experienced a disaster on such a tremendous scale as this. Her friends were gone, dead or alive, she didn't know. Sun was trying to comfort her as best he could, putting her head to his chest. "Alright, Neptune, we'll follow your lead."

Suddenly two beowolves shot out of the bushes next to them, attacking Neptune. He screamed in pain as the monsters began to devour his flesh.

"NEPTUNE!"

"BLAKE WE HAVE TO GO!" Sun quickly grabbed Blake by the arm and took their only option. Run. He dragged her to the nearest car and set her down, trying to calm her down.

"SUN WE HAVE TO GO BACK! NEPTU-"

"HE'S GONE BLAKE!" Sun yelled. "It's ok, they didn't get _us_." Sun said reassuringly, holding onto her tender shoulders. "They didn't get us. We're still alive." Blake saw her breath slow as she accepted the reality of the situation. "Keep it together Blake, we have to get to that sheriff's station. Alright?"

"A-alright..." Blake slowly peeked her head over the car's hood. "Oh my god..." The cul de sac they found themselves at was home to a pack of beowolves, each one grazing the ground, probably for rotted flesh of their past victims. She saw one human running away from several Grimm in the distance, only to get mauled as they quickly caught him. Sun slowly looked over the car to witness the scene, eyes widened at the sight. "We gotta go through them."

"What!? Are you insane!?"

"Blake we can't back track and this road leads right to the station, it's our only option." Sun said in a serious tone. "Just stay together, keep moving, and don't get caught."

"Ok, I'll stick with you." Blake said dejectedly.

"Alright, 1, 2... 3! Go!"

Blake and Sun quickly ran through the beowolves, weaving through them trying to keep as much distance as possible. After passing several Grimm they noticed something... odd... They weren't making any attempt to attack the Faunus duo. Blake slowed her movement, if only to wave her hand in front of a beowolf, who quickly backed away from her. "Uhh Sun? Are you seeing this?" She looked over to her partner who similarly walked in front of a Grimm only to be totally ignored.

"Yea what is up? Are they blind or something?"

"Forget it, we have to keep moving!" She quickly started back into a run, but noticeably less cautious, as did Sun. They ran through about 10 more wolves but they still went unnoticed. In the distance Blake saw a human couple being chased until they were cornered by a fence, getting mauled shortly after. Blake and Sun found their pace slow again, looking around at all the Grimm that wanted nothing to do with them. They came across a small van with two beowolves awkwardly sitting in the front two seats. As the Faunus approached the beowolves got scared and quickly locked the door, much to Sun's disgust.

"Well ain't that some shit..."

"These are some racist. Ass. Grimm!" Blake said angered.

"Why are these assholes even locking the door!? The window is busted i-!" Sun moved his arm through the broken glass and the occupants of the vehicle quickly leaned away from the Faunus' hand.

"Oh fuck this." Blake and Sun left the car Grimm and continued to the station, only to walk near a small family of beowolves, a mother, father, and a pintsized one with no bone protrusions. The small one quickly ran at the Faunus duo, fangs beared. The parents quickly grabbed it's arm and dragged it down the sidewalk.

"I don't fucking believe this." Sun said in distress. "They actually wouldn't let that pup eat us."

"Ridiculous..."

"Oh, hey guys!" Sun and Blake quickly turned around to see their friend Velvet with a six pack of beer. "Isn't this great? These racist Grimm are leaving us alone!" So that confirms their earlier suspicions that these Grimm weren't blind, they were filthy racists. Sun and Blake looked at each other in confusion. "Come to the backyard, we're having a party!" Velvet led them to the backyard where they were faced with what looked like a barbecue. There were at least 30 Faunus here, dogs, cats, rats, and wolves, each partying like it was New Year's. This was quite the sight to see.

"Hey everyone!" All the Faunus stopped what they were doing and looked over to Velvet. "The beer is here!" The crowd roared in joy while Blake and Sun were still kind of confused.

"Should we stay?" Blake asked. She then looked to her side and realized Sun wasn't with her any more. She looked around and saw Sun by the barbecue flipping burgers and drinking a beer.

"Blake this is fucking fantastic!" Sun said enthralled.

"Well... I guess I'll take one drink..."

* * *

><p><strong>This is based off 'White Zombies' skit. It was suggested by xSPYXEx of the reddits. EXTRA MILD GORE EDITION. I know I said I'd rotate with updates on my two stories but I've kinda hit a rock with the other one so I'll be working on this one for now, plus it doubles as my New Year gift to resident Spyxe. I hope you all enjoyed this and I hope you all have a fantabulous New Year! Be safe and spend time with your families! Love you guys!<strong>

**~ Grimm**


	6. Killing a White Fang Warlord

The White Fang had been holed up in Mountain Glenn for two weeks before their position was compromised. Those god damn kids and their stupid dog had found the secret caverns. Bullets whirled in a firefight that slowly got closed in on Torchwick's position. He knew what they wanted. They wanted to capture him, and torture him to figure out every plot the White Fang were scheming. Roman sat in a small home on the edge of the underground village. Some bones scattered the dust-covered ground as he lit his Cuban cigar. As he felt the smoke enter his blackening lungs his henchman Perry opened the door to the war room where Roman resided.

"General Torchwick! Our forces have been devastated, the enemy is at the edge of the village! There are not many of us left. Should we surrender?"

Torchwick stood up to meet Perry's gaze before replying. "You can surrender, Perry... But unfortunately that's a luxury I can't afford. Do you have any idea what they'll do to me? If they capture me then I will be tortured for weeks. That's no way for someone, such as myself, to go."

Perry looked at him confused.

"Perry the platypus Faunus, the one coworker whose company I mildly enjoy, I want you to take my life." Roman said dejectedly.

The first thought to cross Perry's mind was not 'Holy shit I have to do this' or 'I don't want to do this'. His first thought was _I'm not a fucking Platypus Faunus... I'm a beaver Faunus... _Quite frankly Perry didn't give a shit that Roman's last order was to kill him. _Well..._

Perry gazed at Roman through his mask and nodded in confirmation. He moved his arm swiftly behind him and pulled out a hunting knife. Roman flinched as Perry plunged the blade into his stomach, breaching his intestines. Perry got about 3 stabs in before Roman reacted.

"GAAAAAAAAHH NO NO NO! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU FUCKING DOING!? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" Roman fell in the chair behind him, clutching the point of multiple impacts.

"I was trying to kill you, sir!" Perry replied innocently.

Roman looked at him with intense hostility "Not with that you filthy wood eater! There's a gun in the cupboard behind you!"

Perry looked to the knife and back to Roman a few times. "Oooh... So sorry, sir." He then turned around to retrieve the gun.

"I hope you realize Perry you missed every vital organ! How the fuck did you get past training!" Roman said between his weakening breaths. "...Now there's blood on my fucking coat..."

"Found it!" Perry yelled at the sight of the magnum, ecstatically aiming it towards Roman.

"Alright! No kill me, Perry! Please!" Roman shouted as blood gushed from his wounds.

_bang!_

Roman felt the kneecap in his right leg shatter as the bullet broke through him.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAHAAAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! NOT IN THE KNEE!" Roman shrieked.

"I thought you might want an open casket!"

"YOU. ARE. AN. IDIOT! FFFFFFFFFUCK!"

"Well don't say that... I did try my best." Perry said naively.

"Perry, look at me!"

"Ok."

"LOOK AT ME!" Roman pulled Perry's head towards him so they were eye to eye.

"Ok!"

"Shoot me... In the fucking head!"

Perry looked at him before nodding. He aimed the revolver towards Roman.

"Good bye, General..." Roman closed his eyes preparing to meet his maker. "... You sorry ass piece of sh-" _click_

"..."

_click_

"Did you just insult me as you were going to kill me?"

Perry looked around as he tried to make an excuse. "Oh... Well uh... You had insulted me earlier!" Roman felt a nerve pulse in his forehead. "I tho-... I thought you'd be dead... So sorry..." Perry flipped the gun so he held it by the barrel and swiftly swung it into Roman's temple.

"OW OW OW ST- STOP IT! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?"

Perry checked the blunt object and replied. "The gun is empty! Would you like me to stab you again?" Perry pulled out his bloodied knife again.

"NO NO PLEASE! PERRY, THERE ARE MORE ROUNDS OVER THERE!" Perry shuffled around the table looking for the bullets as Roman continued to lose massive amounts of blood. "Perry! Please hurry, I'm in agony!" As he said this Roman began coughing up blood. He felt a small trickle fall from his temple where Perry clobbered him with the butt of his gun. _I wish I died in my sleep..._ As these morbid thoughts went through Roman's mind he saw Perry throw a cooking pot towards him. It crashed on his head, as a bruise quickly began to form.

"AAAAHHH WHYYYY WOULD YOU DO THAT!?"

"I thought if I hit you with that cooking pot then you could die quicker!" Perry said still wielding the pistol.

"Perry for the love of God please just get it over with!"

"I couldn't find the bullets."

"What!?"

'But I found one better. Boiling hot water!"

"What are you going to do with tha- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH" The water poured onto Roman's lap, seeping into his clothes and his wounds. "FUCK FUCK GET AWAY FROM ME! GET AWAY FROM ME!" Roman got up and quickly limped out the room with his hands in the air. "I SURRENDERRRRR! I AM THE LEADER ROMAN TORCHWICK AND I KNOW THE IDENTITY OF THE OTHER WHITE FANG GENERALS!" As he left Perry looked after him and yelled.

"NO GENERAL! DON'T GO! THEY WILL TORTURE YOOOUUU!"

* * *

><p><strong>Juny23 and mastermind of this site suggested this. I had to write it because I love Torchwick. Unfortunately I'm not sure what I will do next. Now I hope you enjoyed this new chapter! If you have any ideas then leave a review and I'll see what I can do. Please Fav, Follow, or Review if you wish! Now go enjoy your day, lads!<strong>

**~Grimm :3**


	7. I Said Bitch

It was a lovely day on the outskirts of the City of Vale. Thin rays squeezed through the blinds as Sun laid on the couch with his head cushioned by Blake's lap waiting for their guests. It had been a couple years since they moved in together in the quaint house, far from any people who would discriminate their race. Blake continued to read her novel as Sun looked out the window bored.

"Ok... What if..."

"Sun."

"Yes, Blakey?"

"Let's not."

"..."

After a short moment of silence they heard the door bell ring from the foyer. Blake put a small red ribbon in her page as she got up to answer as Sun followed. Blake swung the door open to reveal their friends Neptune and Weiss, visiting from Atlas.

"Hey Blake, Sun." Neptune said happily, as Weiss took over.

"We haven't seen you two in _soooo_ long!"

"Oh Weiss I've missed both of you, Let me give you a tour of the house." Blake grabbed Weiss's hand and led her to the next room. "Oh you have to see the new parlor, and the nursery we just had refurbished." As she said this Blake looked down and glossed over her swelling stomach.

"Oh I bet it looks splendid!"

"Ok, you two have fun!" Neptune yelled behind them as he and Sun loitered in the foyer. "Hey man I'm sorry we're late."

"It's alright, it happens dude."

"Weiss was talking about how we had to be in the car by 6:45 and I'm like 'alright!" Neptune replied.

"Uh oh."

"Sun, TELL ME, that my ass isn't waiting in the car until 7:15!"

"Nuh uh."

"I had to go through the damn apartment hunting Weiss and twenty minutes later she is stepping out the damn shower sayin' 'Can I help you?" Sun looked to him with disbelief.

"Ok see that's crazy right there."

"Sun, I looked this woman in the _eyes _and I said..." Both Sun and Neptune quickly darted their heads through the adjacent doorway their wives went through to see if they were in earshot. After a few quick turns of the head they determined the coast was clear. "_Biiiiitch_, you told me 6:45!" Neptune said, being sure to whisper the 'bitch' portion of his statement.

"Oh you said that?" Sun looked at him with surprise.

"Psh, of course I said..." Leaning 45 degrees Neptune checked the adjacent doorway for his Snow Angel before looking back at Sun. "Biiiiitch, man I laid it out."

"But you said bitch though?"

"Hmm?"

"... You said bitch?"

Neptune hesitated before giving his response. "Y-yea..."

Sun and Neptune then heard their significant others from the other room. "Oh Weiss you have to see our new fireplace in the next room!" Sun aimed his head down the hall, signaling Neptune to follow.

* * *

><p>The pipes dripped small droplets in the lifeless basement, now occupied by a couple of sea monkeys. A single light bulb lit the room above Sun and Neptune's head as they continued their female gossip.<p>

"Like Weiss don't play games! Just tell me what you're gonna tell me!" Neptune said excitedly.

"Yea it's like say what you mean, mean what you say!"

"Why the fuck don't women understand that!?"

"Yea it's like a couple weeks back when I took Blake out to dinner. I said 'Where do you want to go?' and she said 'You decide."

"Uh oh."

"I'm like alright! Outback Steakhouse, she's like nah." Neptune kept his attention as Sun continued.

"Mmhm."

"Then I say Chile's and Blake's like 'ehhh.' Neptune I named _seven_ more restaurants!"

"No, Sun! No!"

"So after some bitching I finally say Long John Silver's, the place I know she wants to go so she says all innocently, 'if that's where you want to go."

Neptune and Sun began to get much more electric in their conversation. "No she didn't Sun! You did not let that slide!"

"Neptune, I looked this cat in the eye sockets. I told her straight out! I just said it man, I said it! I said, I said I say..." Both the men quickly crouched down, looking for any signs of female in the basement. Sun sniffed the air for hints of perfume whilst Neptune looked out the head height window. No signs of irregularity. "I said biiiiii-" The girls suddenly popped in from the basement door.

"Hey guys!"

"HEY GIRLS HOW YOU DOIN'? YOU SEE THIS WASHING MACHINE? THIS WASHING MACHINE IS HUGE!"

"MAN THESE ARE SOME GRADE A PIPES WE HAVE EY GIRLS? THEY REALLY GET THE JOB DONE, OH THAT PIPE GOES TO THE TOILET UP STAIRS! AIN'T THAT A HOOT!"

Blake and Weiss looked to their men confused. "Um alright Hun, I'm gonna take Weiss to the kitchen to show her the new dishwasher." Blake silently walked out the room as Weiss looked to Neptune.

"Oh and Neptune?"

"Uh, yea baby?"

"I want a kitchen island just like the one upstairs." Puppy eyes began to form on her face.

"Well you could totally afford it..."

"What was that?"

"Duh, uh, I... You're gonna get one!" Neptune replied reassuringly, Weiss gave a slight turn of the head.

"I love you~"

"... I love you."

* * *

><p>"I SAID BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITCH! If you wanted to go to Long John then just tell a man you want to go to Long John!" Sun said, finishing his last statement. The young men now found themselves on top of a large tree in Sun's backyard. Sun managed to drag Neptune up as it was the only safe place to gossip.<p>

"Ah dude! You said that?"

"Ah hell yea dude, I laid it out! I says I says I sa-" Once again the two looked around the tree for their SO's, climbing up and down the tree and holding onto branches to get a better viewing angle without falling on their ass. "I said biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitch, I'm the man of the house!" Sun finally finished.

"Ah you said bitch though?"

"Hm?"

"You called. Your wife. A bitch!"

"Erm, ahh, yea..." Suddenly Sun spotted the wifey's on the back patio, meters from The Sea Monkey Tree. Sun quickly hugged the biggest trunk next to him while Neptune grabbed a few branches to cover his face.

"Sun? Neptune?" Blake yelled.

"Where did those two block heads go?"

"Hm, I don't know, how about I show you the man cave of a garage Sun made?"

"Ugh sounds repulsive." Weiss scolded.

"Yea it really is." The girls walked off towards the garage, or as Sun called it, the 'Sun Wu Crib'

"Hey Neptune?" Sun said dejectedly.

"Yea?"

"Is there something bad about my garage?"

"Of course not dude, it's perfect. Or should I say... _Purrrrfect?"_

"Shut the fuck up."

* * *

><p>The sun slowly got dimmer as it lowered over the plains. Our Sun, however, was walking across them with Neptune. Walking through the crimson plains of Forever Fall they hoped not to be caught by any Grimm... Or their wives. Although what wouldn't be able to hear Neptune has he droned on about Weiss's shortcomings?<p>

"And so she said 'Why don't you buy a movie we _both_ like?" He yelled with hands thrown in the air.

"No she didn't."

"This was after I spent 25 minutes in the damn Best Buy, Sun. I looked this woman in her optic spans and I says..." Neptune turned and held his hand over his face to keep the sun out of his eyes and scouted the treeline. Sun pulled out a pair of binoculars to check the foothills at the edge of the forest. "I say biiiiiIIIIIIiiiiiiIIiitch!"

"You said that?"

"Ain't nothing but a thang!"

"But you said bitch though?" Sun said pointing to his friend.

Suddenly a sound reverberated from Neptune's pocket. Sun remembered the lyrics and the song to be Womanizer by Britney Spears. "Uh, ignore that..." Neptune said as he answered the phone. Sun got really close to Neptune's ear so he could hear the conversation. "Oh ah, hey sweetie! Sun's just giving me the neighborhood tour!"

* * *

><p>After entering the Atlesian Space Program Sun and Neptune found themselves in the final frontier, bringing new meaning to the phrase 'Monkey in space.' Both were attired in thick astronaut uniforms as they sat in the ship's bridge.<p>

"So we're an hour into Disney Land and Blake's like 'I didn't know we'd be doing so much walking."

"Is she insane!?"

"I know right!? I told her not to wear those heels! And then she said 'Don't raise your voice at me!"

Neptune threw his arms in the air in disgust, although it took a moment due to the gravity.

"Nep. Tune. I looked this woman dead in the windows of her soul! I said..." Sun slowly turned in his seat as he looked around for Blake. Neptune just looked at him like he was crazy, since they are after all in space. One finger was raised, signaling Neptune to wait a moment. Sun exited his chair and floated out the cockpit as the door slammed behind him.

"Uhh... Where are you goi-"

_Knock Knock_

Neptune turned his head to look outside the window. He saw his friend out in the emptiness of space with a large helmet and tether. He heard a small flicker over the radio channel as Sun slowly started floating away.

"I. Said. Biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitch."

* * *

><p><strong>So basically all of you wanted this, so here! Take what you have so long desired! Please leave any suggestions you have for more K&amp;P in the reviews and Fav, or Follow if you enjoyed! I have a couple ideas for some 'spin off' series to this that I want to do so be on the look out for those. Thanks for the continued support!<strong>

**Love, me**


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